Wednesday July 23, 2008
To All Who Read this Post,
Perhaps I am not in my right mind, but this I can no longer hold in anymore. Since being back in Spokane, I have been severely depressed borderline suicidal ; the truly scary part is that it doesn't bother me anymore. I have become darker since being back "home", I use this in quotes because I am not truly home anymore. I walk the streets without a single hope in the world, after getting kicked out of the program in Mt. Vernon, I have pretty much given up. I am done. Game over, to me there is no point on continuing down a dead end, thinking just around the corner there is going to be a change. There is nothing. Maybe God is teaching me something by having me here, or maybe the Enemy is rejoicing because he has claimed another young life, I don't know. The blame could fall on any number of people, but especially me, me for falling into the traps i did, for living my life the way I did, God for creating me the way I am, the Enemy for seducing me with the allure of "freedom" from bondage, any number of the "professionals" whom I have seen, who probably saved me from myself. It doesn't matter anymore. I will take a quote from the movie "Bruce Almighty", "...like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life, eroding beneath me." That is truly how I feel about the situation, that is my life.
Maybe after I post this, I will be brought by men in white lab coats to Eastern State Hospital, but I don't care anymore. Throw me in the loony bin, It doesnt matter to me anymore. I feel like there is no hope anymore. I am just speaking what is truely on my heart and it is truly how I feel. If anything does happen to me, I wish that my instruments either be sold or donated to the benefit the mission. All my clothes I wish to be donated to clothe the men of the mission. My books, I wish to be sold or donated. My furniture I wish to be donated to the Classy Rack, to do with what they wish. My body, I dont care if cremated or buried in a coffin. This is the End, Love, Ethan
