Wednesday July 23, 2008
To All Who Read this Post,
Perhaps I am not in my right mind, but this I can no longer hold in anymore. Since being back in Spokane, I have been severely depressed borderline suicidal ; the truly scary part is that it doesn't bother me anymore. I have become darker since being back "home", I use this in quotes because I am not truly home anymore. I walk the streets without a single hope in the world, after getting kicked out of the program in Mt. Vernon, I have pretty much given up. I am done. Game over, to me there is no point on continuing down a dead end, thinking just around the corner there is going to be a change. There is nothing. Maybe God is teaching me something by having me here, or maybe the Enemy is rejoicing because he has claimed another young life, I don't know. The blame could fall on any number of people, but especially me, me for falling into the traps i did, for living my life the way I did, God for creating me the way I am, the Enemy for seducing me with the allure of "freedom" from bondage, any number of the "professionals" whom I have seen, who probably saved me from myself. It doesn't matter anymore. I will take a quote from the movie "Bruce Almighty", "...like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life, eroding beneath me." That is truly how I feel about the situation, that is my life.
Maybe after I post this, I will be brought by men in white lab coats to Eastern State Hospital, but I don't care anymore. Throw me in the loony bin, It doesnt matter to me anymore. I feel like there is no hope anymore. I am just speaking what is truely on my heart and it is truly how I feel. If anything does happen to me, I wish that my instruments either be sold or donated to the benefit the mission. All my clothes I wish to be donated to clothe the men of the mission. My books, I wish to be sold or donated. My furniture I wish to be donated to the Classy Rack, to do with what they wish. My body, I dont care if cremated or buried in a coffin. This is the End, Love, Ethan
2 comments:
Ethan... There is help awaiting you if you want it. We need to talk - you, dad, and I - Dad said he's awaiting your response for a day/time to meet, and said he heard from you that you're feeling better now. Don't despair - pick yourself up by the bootstraps and make a plan to get out of the hole you're in - only you can pull yourself out of it. Know we're here for you and love you always! Please call or e-mail date/time to meet. Love you always... MOM
Ethan-you and I both know that there are some times in life when things just aren't going right. It's like Gandolf said, in LOTR, all that matters is what you do when times are this dark. If you just let yourself go, then when you go before God, and you will if you do, you have to explain to the one who loved you, cried every tear you cried, and gave you solace, why you gave up on Him. There is help, ethan. Hope is not gone. All you have to do is have the courage to face yourself, accept you need something more, that you can't do this on your own, and get the help you need. We love you, baby brother, don't give up on us.
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